The Dangers of 2am….

When Everything Hits At Once

Today is one of the worst days since this neck issue started. Not because it’s getting worse… at least I don’t think it is. But because now I’ve got some kind of flu on top of it. And with it comes a cough, the kind that doesn’t just annoy you… it punishes you. Every time I cough, it feels like my head is going to fall off, like something inside my neck is failing.

The pain shoots from my neck into my shoulder, and then the pressure hits, followed by that intense pins and needles feeling flooding down my arm and into my hand. It’s violent. It’s immediate. And there’s no way to brace for it. And it’s going to be a long night.

I’m no closer to answers. No closer to a solution. Just stuck trying to figure out how to exist like this.

I tried to go into work today. That was a mistake. I can’t sit for more than a minute without the pain ramping up, which makes driving almost impossible. Honestly… today might’ve been the last time I try to drive anywhere for a while.

And that realization hits harder than I expected. Because now everything starts piling up.

The grass needs cut. The house needs attention. Coda needs walked, more than once. And then there’s work…. Where I’m useless. I walk around the building when it’s busy, unable to help the way I should. I can’t sit, I can’t focus, I can’t be who I’m supposed to be there. And that messes with you. Along with the fact that I’m killing my wife by making her go there every night to do my job… something doesn’t sit right about that!

I am not a religous person and I don’t believe in God or tests or blah blah blah, “He wouldn’t have given you this if you couldn’t handle it” shit! That doesn’t help. It doesn’t make this easier. It just sounds empty.

So I start wondering…. How is everyone else? Is life really working for you?

Are people actually out there sleeping, working just enough, taking care of their families, exercising, eating right, and then casually enjoying dessert like everything’s balanced and under control? Because that’s not what my life feels like.

This feels like falling behind in every area at once. And somewhere along the way… honestly, not until my fifties, I got hit with a realization I can’t shake: I don’t feel like I matter. I sit here and try to think of what I’ve actually done that’s meaningful… and I come up empty. No real accomplishments. No standout skills, other than cooking. And right now? I can’t even do that.

So what does that leave? I don’t see myself as someone people take seriously. I don’t see myself as a great friend, husband, or father. And yeah… maybe that’s the lack of sleep. Maybe it’s the constant pain. Maybe it’s the flu on top of everything else.

Or maybe this is just what the truth looks like when everything else is stripped away.

Either way… Right now, it’s winning. It’s 2am. No signs of sleep coming. I thought about going to the ER. But for what? Maybe they quiet the cough for a few hours… but the nerve pain? The neck? That’s mine to figure out. That’s mine to live with.

And I get it now… why people lose their minds from pain like this. Why they reach for anything that makes it stop, even for a little while. Chirst even Tiger Woods has an addiction problem. I get it. I won’t drive. So there’s one good decision in all of this.

But yeah… I’m rambling now. This is just where my head is tonight. This, writing, is about the only thing I can still do that doesn’t hurt. So, I’ve hung up the mountain biking for blogging.

So if you’re reading this… thanks for being here. And if you’re not Maybe you’re missing something. Or maybe you’re just one of the lucky ones.

What Is Depression?

Depression is defined as a serious mood disorder marked by persistent sadness and loss of interest. It affects how we think, feel, and function. Fatigue. Sleep issues. Appetite changes. Hopelessness. Brain fog. Difficulty concentrating.

Cool. Clinical. Accurate.

And also? That definition describes a hell of a lot of us.

But here’s the real question:

Can you actually identify what depresses you?

For me, depression looks like losing a health battle I didn’t ask to fight. Kidney disease has a way of quietly rearranging your life while pretending it’s no big deal.

Change… yeah, change is depressing. Losing porch nights because life shifted. Losing control of my business while still being responsible for it. Teaching, explaining, demonstrating expectations over and over… only to watch nothing change.

Depression is living somewhere you hate.

It’s having a child who wants to live with you, and being powerless to change his current situation.

It’s making money you can’t enjoy or use.

It’s worrying about a future that keeps getting closer instead of clearer.

It’s going to bed at 5 a.m. and waking up at 7 a.m. like your brain hates you.

To most people, these things sound small.

To me, they stack up. They linger. They haunt.

Self-diagnosed? Sure.

Still real? Absolutely.

So how do you cure depression?

How do you shut down the brain activity that manufactures darkness no amount of light seems to touch? Is the answer the very thing that depresses me, change? Maybe. But where? How? How do you change things you don’t control?

Do you stop caring?

Stop showing up?

Stop listening?

I don’t have those answers. What I do know is this: I make micro changes. Probably the wrong ones sometimes. But they’re the ones that let me survive my days.

For years, I preached that mental health is no joke. That we all need to do better. Somewhere along the way while trying to be strong, helpful, responsible…. I lost sight of my own happiness.

Now I move through life like an invisible observer. Watching everyone else unfold while I hover quietly on the outside.

Depression is all of this. And more.

I don’t have control of it , but I tug at the shirt tails of the things I can reach.

So what depresses you?

Do you feel in control… or like it’s slipping through your fingers too?

Some days the fight feels heavy. Overwhelming. Endless.

When that happens, don’t aim for perfection. Aim for tomorrow.

Make micro changes.

Find small peace.

Push just far enough to get there.

And then do it again.

The Life I Built… and the One I Lost in the Process

Today I woke up, and for the first time, I think I finally know what it feels like to lose your mind.

Could I actually be going crazy? Or am I just caught in a life rut so deep it swallowed me whole and now I can’t remember how to climb out?

Growing up, we’re told “life is short, don’t let it pass you by.”

Well, I didn’t. I lived a damn good life for a long time.

Maybe not by everyone’s standards, but by mine, it was wild, adventurous, unpredictable. Every weekend meant something new, somewhere new.

Now, it feels like I’m stuck in the movie Groundhog Day.

Every morning I wake up and live the same script. I order the same beer for the bar, pick up the same liquor order, and walk my dog through the same neighborhood…. three, sometimes six miles a day. That’s about forty miles a month of déjà vu.

People say your early years are for being reckless, for chasing things, failing at things, figuring out who you are. Then you’re supposed to build a life, settle down, start the family, take the vacations, eat the dinners together, and actually live.

I want that.

I want normalcy. I want family vacations and dinners around a table that isn’t covered in receipts or shift schedules. I want to see places I haven’t seen yet, and do it all with my wife.

But what I want feels galaxies away from what I have.

I figured out success in business….. it has its highs and lows, sure, but it’s good. What I didn’t figure out was how to make it self-sustaining. Someone always has to be there. The business can’t run without a heartbeat inside its walls.

And that someone is usually me.

So I’m trapped. Trapped in the world I built, the dream I chased, the thing I thought would bring me freedom, but instead holds me prisoner.

I watch other people with other careers, other lives, and they all seem to share something I don’t: time.

Time for long weekends. Time for family meals. Time to breathe.

My wife and I trade shifts like ships passing in night. One home, one at work, keeping the machine alive.

That sacrifice? It’s what’s slowly unspooling me. Because when you see others actually living, laughing at dinner, taking trips, making memories…. you start to wonder when you stopped doing the same.

And that’s what eats at me. That’s what drives me crazy.

I’ve got money in the bank, cash in my pocket, but I can’t spend it, because I can’t go anywhere. I have more cancelled trips this year due to work than I actually have planned.

So where do I go from here?

Because I sure as hell don’t feel like I’m living life to the fullest.

Most nights, I just sit in the garage watching hockey, surrounded by the ghosts of friends past. The ones who got out, who moved on, who somehow figured out how to make peace with the ticking clock.

And me? I’m still here.

Walking the same streets.

Buying the same beer.

Trying to remember how to feel alive again.

Leadership Isn’t About Barking Orders—It’s About Building Culture

I’ve never really seen myself as a leader. A worker? Absolutely. Point me in a direction, and I’ll get it done. But leading? That’s a different beast.

Here’s the kicker though, ask an employee why something isn’t done and you’ll often hear:

“Because nobody cares. Why should I?” Or “that’s not my job.”

That’s the kind of answers that makes any leader want to snap back.

So you ask the next question:

“Well, who checks this?”

And nine times out of ten, the answer is… nobody. Managers are just as guilty as employees.

The real question becomes:

“Why are we okay with this being the standard?”

The truth is, it’s not laziness. It’s culture.

A culture of: “Nobody checks. Nobody notices. So why bother?”

That’s where leaders fail. They think the solution is to correct the behavior, bark the order, demand results… and then walk away.

But here’s the thing: you can’t scare people into caring.

If you want a winning team, a winning business, and a winning culture, you have to teach people what culture is and what it means.

Throw out the wall slogans. Toss the corporate handbooks. Forget the scare tactics. None of that creates a culture worth following.

Culture is what you walk past.

Culture is what you accept.

Culture is what you decide matters, even when nobody’s watching.

That’s where real leadership comes in. Not “do this because I said so,” but “let’s do this together.”

It’s about shifting the story from “nobody cares” to “we care together.”

And that’s how things change. Not with shortcuts or flashy “aha!” moments, but with conversations, small actions, and tiny wins that build into something bigger.

Leadership isn’t about micromanaging or passing the buck with a “not my job” attitude.

It’s about ownership, pride, and building a team that knows it’s our job.

Because when the attitude shifts from me to we, that’s when you get a winning team.

What is Success, and How Do You Know If You Are Successful?

Success is one of those elusive concepts we all chase, yet it remains different for everyone. Is it climbing the corporate ladder, or achieving / accomplishing your dream, leading a productive life or having financial freedom?

Traditionally success looks like this to most: Money – Power – Status

While society often equates success with financial prosperity, real success is far more personal. It’s about defining what matters most to you. For me, I don’t have the money or the power and what really is status?

A fulfilling career that aligns with my passion. One could say I am successful because of this. I’m not 100% sure this applies to me either. Success might also be measured in personal growth, overcoming challenges, developing new skills, or becoming more at peace with oneself. If this is the societal definition, I definitely don’t see myself as successful.

The key is to not let societal standards dictate your definition of success. “What does success look like for me?” This answer may change weekly to yearly. Meaning to me, you could be successful one day and not the other!

Defining success is not easy for me. If I could define it, I may know of I’ve achieved it or not. Take a look at the following:

• Contentment: I don’t really feel content with where my life is.

• Alignment With My Values: many may say I am authentic, however I don’t feel like I live an authentic life

• Impact On Others: There was a time I feel like I had a positive impact on others, not so much anymore.

• Freedom and Flexibility: I don’t have control over my time and I feel constrained over my choices. I can’t find time to enjoy the things that bring me joy and purpose.

Success isn’t a single point. It changes as I grow, learn, and evolve. What felt like success in my twenties does not align with my goals in my fifties. Life’s circumstances, goals, and priorities change and so should my vision of success.

At the end of the day, success is about living a life that feels meaningful to you. Whether it’s through career achievements, personal happiness, or the impact you have on others, success is deeply personal and unique to each individual.

So how do I know if I’m successful? When life reflects my most authentic self and aligns with what truly matters to me.

Therein Lies The Problem!